sweetly broken

I WANT ONE :(

Recently it has hit me that im getting older and older. (I know some of the older folks are laughing at me right now). but I feel soooo old when i see people like my baby brother entering college and my little sister as a working woman. weird. I don’t want to get any older and I just wanna be 2ne1 forever. but that’s long gone and at times it makes me sad. However, on the other end, I look at these people who are a lot older than I am - pastors, parents, elders - and I feel so young compared to them both age-wise and maturity-wise. i am amazed at how much wisdom they’ve accrued and how many crazy but blessed experiences that they’ve encountered in their lifetime. Yes my body will slowly start to break down, Yes I will get wrinkles, Yes I wont be able to run around like crazy as much. But I see the maturity of these older people specifically in their walks with the Lord and I get excited - excited to age. Excited to get older, to accrue more wisdom, to gain more knowledge, to know God more intimately. There is still soooo much I dont know and I am excited for God to reveal more of himself to me through all aspects of my life. I know that growing can be painful at times but i know that in the end, its all for my own good, as a daughter who is so beloved by the King. I’m excited to grow older. :)

One Brave Cat

The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis

I have a genes to cell block final this coming monday. i should be studying but i felt the need to write some important thoughts down before getting into hyper-study mode. this is mostly for myself. but i wanted to be open in my thoughts since that’s what i’m going to talk about:

People always talk about how they like people and wants to be friends with who are honest and “real”.  But do they really know what they are asking for?

The fact of the matter is, when you are “real” and “honest” to people, they turn their backs on you because inevitably, your “real” self is SIN. People are selfish, self-centered, depraved, including myself. People will only like you when you are likeable or when you have something that they want(you give them attention, show them affection, listen to them). It is only out of convenience and selfish motives. When they see sin in you, they are disgusted by it. When they see flaws, instead of forgiving and being merciful, they will give you wrath and scorn. They will criticize you in the open and/or in their minds. Even some of your closest friends will betray you. When you show your vulnerable self, they will talk behind your back. And then in front of you they will give you a loving smile and embrace. Doesn’t that sound so junior/high school-ish? You’d think that by now people will have “matured” but the truth is that it still happens. and you seeing this person in THEIR faults and unloveable traits, will make you disappointed at that person in return. You’ll be hurt. You will, in a sense, hate. it can and will become a vicious cycle even in the most “loving” relationships. Most importantly, you will be faced with the question of, can you love this person who has hurt and betrayed you? Can you love this person who is dishonest? unloveable? hateful? You will see the full weight of what Jesus commands, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you”(Matt 5:44). The sad fact is that by ourselves, we won’t be able to. We don’t want to. I too am selfish and prideful. Our love stops here. That’s how depraved we are.

BUT when you know Christ, it doesn’t stop there. it SHOULDN’T stop there. We need to extend our love, stretch our love by looking towards Christ and what he had done for us and continues to do on our behalf. He loves us and sees past even the most vile characteristics of our being. He even died for us so that we can be cleansed and made holy. now, THIS is love. so brothers and sisters in Christ, how do we apply this beautiful gospel?

A genuine relationship is not one where people are just nice to each other. Nor is it one that criticizes or brings down each other. It is an honest(in the full sense of the word) relationship that helps each other to build toward’s Christ love - a love that is unconditional. again, UNCONDITIONAL. It should not be dependent on if they are “good” people. We all our broken and it is God’s command for us to see each other in the eyes of mercy just as our Father is merciful. so i am challenged to love this kind of love to all those around me. i want to be able to love this kind of love.

Is this idealistic? No and Yes.
NO. We CAN do it because we have Christ. God is constantly molding us to be better witnesses of Christ and the Gospel. phew.
YES. It is REALLY REALLY hard. and at times, we will fail. but we rejoice because again, God’s love is not contingent on our works. We will see God’s grace once more as we fail to love and His love will continue to shape and strengthen us to love even more.

I really should be writing more regularly but for right now,
this came up on my pandora station and the lyrics really hit me. so i’d like to share:

“Lord make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
And where there is sadness, joy.

O divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive-
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it’s in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen”

this is going to save me.

Remain - Starfield

Defender of this heart
You loved me from the start
You never change

Through the highs and lows
As seasons come and go
You never fail

Day after day
Your love will remain
Faithful and true
You are good

You are God with us
You’re victorious
You are strong and mighty to save
For Your word stands true
There is none like You
And when all else fades
You remain

When troubles come my way
You guide and You sustain
Lead me, I pray

Forever You will be
The great eternal King
Now and always

Day after day
Your love will remain
Faithful and true

You are good, you are good
You are God with us
You’re victorious
You are strong and mighty to save
For Your word stands true
There is none like You
And when all else fades
You remain

Congratulations my Little Brother, SAMUEL IM, for finishing high school!
It is really weird how the little brother that used to be smaller than half my body is now towering over me as if I’m the younger sibling.

I’ve seen you grow so much through your high school years and I am amazed by the love that you have for God and His people. I can see God really molding you and training you to become a faithful, strong, humble servant and I really am excited to see what God has in store for you in college. Although it will bring many hardships and trials, I know that these challenges will mature you, grow you in your faith and in your love for Jesus. May you cherish the gospel ever so dearly through your college years. Trust in His perfect plan for you. Thanks for being my buddy, my punching bag, my stress-inducer AND my stress-reliever, the dorky brother that i can always count on to make me laugh. :)

Henry David Thoreau